I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
