I think I won the penis lottery.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
