My liver just broke up with me...
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Text me some of your sweat
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize