Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
