Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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