My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
