Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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