my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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