If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
