The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
