Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
