I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
