I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
