At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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