I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
