I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize