he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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