Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
