everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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