I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
