I looked at my own cervix.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
