she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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