i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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