I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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