well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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