Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
