bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
