Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
