Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
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