Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
