please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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