I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
