It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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