when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
