I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Randomize
