Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
