my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
