grandma shit on top of the toilet
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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