my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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