She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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