my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
