I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize