dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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