what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
