My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
