I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i think my mom watched the whole time
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
