I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
