Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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