Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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