i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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