I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
My feet surprised me
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
