Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
