Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
