I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
