fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
