she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
