On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Randomize
