So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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