it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
